A slice of humble …

A slice of humble – brownie?
Yes brownie. Not pie.

Humble.

This is such a tricky word sometimes.
I try to be humble. 
But sometimes the line of what being humble becomes blurred with putting yourself down, or being too prideful.

That’s right, I said it – too prideful.
But how can this be? Aren’t those two things opposite?
How can pride come disguised as humility?
Very, very easily actually.
And sadly, I must admit I experienced this very thing just a couple weeks ago.

I was visiting my Ohio for a week to stay with my boyfriend and his family.

I’m sure you’re wondering: “What does that have to do with pride?”

Well. When I visit, I essentially don’t have to worry about anything.
They include me in on family meals at home, they pay for me when we go out to a meal or to get ice cream, they included me in with Christmas gift giving, they took me on trips to the store and to family parties; what I’m saying, is that they treated me no different than a family member.

Which is so generous. And so sweet.
But it also was secretly very difficult for me.
With each time I gave a very humble “thank you so much” and smiled,
my heart ached with pride for letting someone take care of me and help me.
With each purchase, trip, or evening of tv time I would struggle with feeling in the way, burdensome, or being too expensive. I felt bad that I couldn’t give back anything other than making some brownies and cleaning up around the house.

Here’s a little bit about me:
I am very independent about many things.
If I can’t do something in return, I don’t like to recieve.
Which is why I become very prideful in situations, especially dealing with money.
I don’t feel like I deserve it.
Or that I’m going to be looked down on.
I don’t like to ask for help, I don’t like to ask to borrow money or accept it even when I really need it.

And when I was in Ohio, I really needed it.
This family didn’t know that, they gave out of the kindness of their heart.
But sometimes, when we become blinded by personal pride, we ignore the pure motives of others.

So as I sat in bed one night, that concept hit me.
It hit me that I wasn’t truly being humble if I couldn’t fully accept their love and kindness.
And then I started to think of that in terms of how I relate with the Lord.

How many times has He done something incredible for me, and I don’t truly accept it because I don’t feel worthy or deserving enough for it? Or that I’ve avoided going to Him about something to avoid confronting it or having to actually ask for help.

Too many.

The Lord delights when I come to Him with my problems! Or even with my moments of joy. And He helps me in my moments of weakness – because He wants to. He sent His son for me, by choice. And His son died for me, by choice.

I am learning that a large part of grace and love, and how it connects to humility is acceptance. 
I need to learn to humbly and gratefully accept what the Lord is giving me: unconditional love and grace. And in turn accept that same love and grace from others.

I realized that this family didn’t expect anything in return from me.
They gave because they have full and generous hearts.
They didn’t care that I only could give them some homemade brownies and cleaning around the house.
 They were happy to recieve those things.
Just as the Lord is happy to give, and delights when I simply love and serve Him in the ways He’s gifted me to.

It was humbling to realize all of these things about myself.
And even more humbling to be able to truly see the pure generosity of others and the Lord.