The last few weeks (month, really) have flown by.
They were incredibly demanding and very busy.
I had a choir tour.
An exit interview to take.
Research papers to submit.
Finals to study for (and take)
A commencement speech to write.
A dorm room to pack up.
An apartment to move things into.
A baccalaureate service to attend.
A stage to walk across (I’m a college graduate, y’all!)
And a speech to give on that same stage.
Not to mention having to pack up to move to camp for three months.
None of these things were bad, but it felt impossible to just focus.
There was just so much happening that it was difficult to take it all in.
I felt like everything was “this or that” and required me to choose between one thing or another… (or at times, multiple things) and I hated it.
I waded through the waters of decision making, which I often hate to do.
Each time, my choices were between things that I enjoyed.
There was not clear cut, easy, or ‘better’ decision.
Anything seemed fine, whether I chose to say yes to dinner with one person, a movie with another, a trip for ice cream with a group, or to do something completely different.
This bothered me. I felt like there needed to be. But I couldn’t find any resolve.
I ran from the neglected, unchosen things and hid behind my chosen activities.
I ran from people I thought I was letting down.
I would turn my phone on silent for hours to just get away.
I went on long drives and long walks.
Don’t get me wrong, I was loving every experience that came my way, but something just didn’t seem quite right. For as much as I was absolutely all-in for what I was doing, part of me felt disconnected from what was happening around me.
Feelings of anxiety and doubt began to creep in.
Was I making the right choices?
Were there options that were ‘more right’ than others?
What about the activities I didn’t participate in?
Was I hurting the feelings of those who I didn’t have time for?
What if my speech isn’t good; what if everyone hates it?
What if I fail this final? What does my GPA look like?
Am I packing too much? Am I forgetting anything I need?
What if I trip and fall in front of everyone at graduation?
As I was sorting through the mess in my room, I was annoying myself with all of these silly questions. And then, I realized, that just maybe I was the problem – I was standing in my own way. I was standing in the way between my ‘stuff’ and God.
I was talking so much within myself that I wasn’t even listening to what He was trying to tell me about it all. While I was standing and looking at my stuff, He was standing behind me, trying to get my attention; lovingly saying to my heart:
“Why are you anxious?”
“Listen to my voice.”
And in that moment, my heart was stilled. I asked for clarity, and then I listened.
It was then that I finally realized that with God in life, when it comes to decisions, things aren’t always “yes do this” and “no don’t do this” when looking at two or more choices. Sometimes, there are choices to be made in front of you that God looks upon and gives the okay for either, both things are within His will. Sometimes it is the opposite, and sometimes there is a yes or a no. Once I realized this and looked at my choices in line with His will, I realized that any of my options would be fine.
I finished the semester and graduation with an open, joyful heart towards all that was going on in my life. I greeted my final week of undergrad with excitement and expectation of amazing moments with friends, family, and my Creator.
This was a very freeing moment to me.
It also opened my eyes to a very important facet of God.
God is not a God of trying to steal my joy when it comes to decisions.
It is quite the opposite.
God delights in my delight of Him, His will, and my choices that follow it.
And whenever I am in step with His will and call for my life, I cannot help but be filled with joy.